Why you have to keep going, even if you don't want to

Life always has a weird way of coming full circle. It usually catches you off guard and makes you reflect on a past memory that slipped into the deep abyss of your mind. The last few years of my life have been nothing short of a world wind of emotions, changes, and uphill battles. I have experienced some of my lowest points and you may have even witnessed some parts of them.

If you follow me on instagram at heyitsmekmac, you’ll find that I’m rather active on my story. I shared the other day a full circle event that just happened for me. I was stuck in a building on a rare day that it was sunny, warm, and no sight of rain and decided that I needed some fresh air. I decided to take a step outside and I noticed how beautiful this bush was sitting right outside the door. Keep in mind, I walk by this bush literally every morning and I never stopped and thought “wow thats a nice bush.” However, on this day I took a selfie in front of it before I entered the building and when I walked outside later in the day, I started taking pictures of the flowers that had bloomed. Standing there engulfed by the fresh aroma, looking at this white snowball bush, I was hit with a rush of emotions. My brain started whirling thinking back the last two years of my life, my mind was a VHS tape on rewind. I remembered back to a time two years ago when I was living in Norfolk and was a few months pregnant.

I vividly recall that I had spent that entire morning crying while getting ready for work. As I was leaving my little blue house, the same thing happened. I noticed this bush that sat in my driveway and was amazed at the beautiful flowers that had bloomed. Typical me, I started taking pictures holding the flowers to get the perfect aesthetic photo to post on instagram. In that moment it brought me so much joy. I then posted the picture asking for prayers and uplifting vibes. So many people sent  messages. At the time no one knew I was pregnant or really understood what was happening but still uplifted me in my time of need.

Obviously, the prayers worked because I am still here. That day two years ago, I saw no purpose in living. I wanted nothing more than to disappear off of the planet to rid myself of all the pain and hurt that I was feeling. The flower that day was probably the only thing that brought me joy. It made me smile.

Lately, I have been questioning a lot of what I am doing in life. Feeling disappointed because I sometimes get the thought that I am not doing life right and failing. A few months ago, I was contemplating if this world really needed me.

As my mind began to come out of rewind mode and I wiped away the tears that started to form in my eyes, I felt a deep sense of gratitude. For you and the other people who prayed for me that day and continue to support me in everything that I do. I am grateful that I decided to not let temporary situations control the outcome of my life. I am thankful for all that I am and all that I have become. I would've never guessed that a random flower bush would teach me such a valuable lesson, that with darkness there is always light. Sometimes things are hard but you cannot allow temporary emotions or situations control everything that you are. You have to move and not dwell. The more you move the quicker things will clear up and get brighter.