The truth: Depressed and Pregnant
Facebook in its normal fashion took me down memory lane the other day. Two years ago, I announced my unplanned pregnancy. In the post, I stated how I felt embarrassed but was excited. Funny how I can look back and feel everything as if I were still locked in that moment. I can envision myself sitting on my couch, alone, contemplating if I was ready to announce to the world that I was going to be a mommy. After I pushed the post button, I melted into a ball and sobbed as congratulations flooded my notifications.
I waited until I was around 20 weeks pregnant to tell distant family and friends. I think back and wish that I would have just kept it all a secret but to be quite honest, my followers on social media were a big support system and a lot of them still are. If you are new to my story, my pregnancy wasn’t all butterflies and rainbows. I spent most of the time alone and crying myself to sleep every night. It’s an experience in my life that whenever I even talk about it, my chest gets tense and tears fill my eyes. If you are interested in hearing more about my story, I posted a video on youtube sharing my experience.
I felt guilty throughout my pregnancy and struggled with pre-natal depression. When I tell you I have never felt more depressed in my entire life….I mean it. It was the worst. I knew how blessed I was, which made me feel even more guilty. I was bringing into the world a beautiful little girl and at the time I didn't understand why the heck the universe chose me.
I felt like a disappointment and to be one hundred with yall….I still feel like I disappointed my friends and family. I am an older sister and growing up, I was always told that I was leading the way for my younger siblings; I was in charge of setting the example. Getting pregnant in college and knowing from the very beginning that you are going to be a single mom, isn't quite the example most older siblings want to set.
Two years later, sitting here with a lot of those wounds still unhealed, it's hard to talk about it. I am unsure how to deal with those emotions to this day. As a mom, it's a terrible thing to say that you were depressed while you were pregnant or anything else negative. We are expected to be overly joyed that we are bringing a life into the world. Even after having the baby, you still have no right to be sad because look at the bundle of joy that you made. It’s bullcrap.
Though facebook showed me some areas that I need to heal, it also brought me to a place of gratitude. I have changed and grown so much since then and it’s thanks to my daughter. She is the reason that I am still here and she doesn't even know that her light is what lit the way on my darkest days. She motivates and inspires me to be better everyday. She is my little best friend and I mean it. Every moment that I have with her is just such a joy. Watching her grow and play has created some of the best memories in my life. I never knew that I could love someone as much as I do her.
Everything that I went through before I was pregnant was to break old ties and bad habits so that I could be the best mom possible. At the time, it sucked because change is never easy. Through the tears and resistance, I now stand proud in motherhood. My daughter was sent here to save me and to put me on the path of success. She may be my baby but I also believe that she is my guide. At the root of every decision or choice, I think about her.
While my situation isn't perfect, my relationship with my daughter is and that is all that matters. She has taught me how to communicate more effectively, how to self reflect, and most importantly how to have an open heart and love. My daughter is destined to be a world leader, her light shines so bright and anyone who encounters her will tell you the same thing. She is truly a blessing and I am so grateful that the universe did choose me.
To my baby girl, mommy loves you and you will never understand the amount of gratitude I have for you. Also, shoutout to facebook for the memories.